Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i now understand why vodka
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
