Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
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