dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
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you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
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No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?