I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.