You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
