So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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