you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I will pee on everything he values.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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