rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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