I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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