I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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