Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Randomize
