Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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