I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
