my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
