Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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