She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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