he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
