a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Someone signed my nipple.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
