i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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