Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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