i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
