my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
