My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
