Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
