no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
