1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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