I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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