Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
