Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
