You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Got a toothbrush?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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