Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
