Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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