she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize