I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
