I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
