You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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