I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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