its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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