false alarm. still invincible.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
