I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
