She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
