perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
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We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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