Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
