New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
