The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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