If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well I just put wine in my tea
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
