If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
