there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
