Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
