I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
