I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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