hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
