"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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