i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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