How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize