it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
