My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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