Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
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I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
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SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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