i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
