I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
