I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
